Mad About You

by Raymond G. Neal (from the book “minis.”)

Have you ever had one of those days? When one thing after another seems to exist only to be an obstacle between you and what you need to get done? Or perhaps you’ve had a day that’s been going swimmingly and you’re feeling unstoppable. You’re on top of the world!

But then…IT HAPPENS.

A bossy boss. A surly barista. Karen. Or perhaps it’s your big sis, your little bro, your mother-in-law. Your frenemy, your fwb or your work spouse. Maybe it’s even your (gasp!) REAL spouse. Words are exchanged. At least one temper flares. Feelings are hurt and the aftermath is often enough to ruin the rest of your day.

Bao, et al. contend that “conflict can be a positive creative force, when it increases communication, releases stored feelings, leads to the solution of problems, results in the growth of the relationship between parties in conflict, or improves performance.” And that’s all well and good…in the same way that starving yourself will help you fit into that size 2 dress you’ve got your eye on. The outcome may be desirable, but the process of getting there sucks.

Let’s just assume that it’s you who is butt hurt after a nasty exchange. Your pulse is racing, maybe you’re a little dewy on the brow and in your pits, and you’re berating yourself for overreacting, for letting that person even get to you in the first place.

But why are you angry, really? What’s your anger’s bottom line?

First things first: who pissed you off? Was it a coworker you barely know, a family member you know too well, or a complete stranger you don’t know at all? The first step in putting the spat into proper perspective is determining who your beef was with and how much space they actually take up in your life.

Next, what exactly did they say or do? Did they critique your output unfavorably, laugh at your appearance, or insult you for seemingly no reason? Was it a work thing, a family thing or a rando thing that happened at the supermarket? Be sure to categorize this spat accurately so you can determine how much emotional and mental space (if any) you need to allow for it in your life.

Now let’s take a look at how you reacted to this person who got a rise out of you. Did you suck it up and choose to be the bigger person, even though you were pissed? Did you respond in kind, meet them where they were at, so that the vibe intensified and the interaction escalated, fueling and drawing out more of your anger? Or did you laugh it off and play dumb, but then carry it with you into the rest of your day, ruminating on the injustice of what that person did or said to you?

And how does your reaction make you feel? When we snap back, challenge their diss or up the ante with counter shade, we often wind up chastising ourselves afterward for taking the bait. As if the fact that we pushed back is proof positive that our antagonist is right about us. Even if we take the high road or play dumb, the feelings of being slighted and the resulting anger often remain. We feel bad about letting that person get to us, and internalize that anger, telling ourselves we should have spoken up, we should have corrected them, we should have stood our ground. We shouldn’t even be upset! We stifle our response, but the anger still festers where it lands, which in these instances is within us.

In the U.S. we’re taught that if someone is able to get a rise out of us, then that person has won. But operating from that viewpoint gives all the power to the bullies, bitches and bad actors out there. They only need to poke you at the right time, and in the right spot, to get a negative reaction out of you…and then they’ve won?! You lost because you let them get to you?! Hmm…interesting.

Meanwhile, no one holds them accountable for their bad behavior. We’re taught to protect bad actors from experiencing the consequences of their bad behavior. What a very pro-capitalist lesson. A person who pushes back against bad treatment is usually categorized as the troublemaker, the bad apple (think unions, whistleblowers, etc.). The focus shifts away from what your antagonist did to antagonize you in the first place, and lands on how you reacted and whether your reaction is appropriate.

We tend to beat ourselves up for getting angry because we are socialized to avoid conflict. Conflict, we’re told, invites us to expose ourselves by letting our emotions take over. If we do that (we’re told) we’re at risk of “losing control” and who knows what might happen then!

This way of thinking takes for granted that we move through our lives “holding it together” and maintaining our composure no matter what is occurring around us, no matter what is happening to us. Anyone who reaches the point of being fed up, who pushes back or says out loud what they really think, is eyed with suspicion. They’re seen as a weak link in the human chain of keeping things as they are. If too many of us begin to react appropriately to what is happening to us, then the entire network of social constructs that is holding up the patriarchy and current powers that be with spit, rubber bands and chewing gum might begin to collapse under the weight of its own repugnance. Heaven forbid!

Anger usually arises when we feel that we’re being disrespected, condescended to, gaslit, demeaned, abused or some awful combination thereof. We all know there’s a correct way to interact with others. We all know how to be polite. Unfortunately, there’s a class of people out there who often forget (or choose not) to be polite. Instead, they steamroll over others with their ill will, arrogance and bile. And this puts the rest of us in the position of needing to react to their nonsense in a productive way. And how we define “productive” is determined by the outcome we desire.

If you think about it, your anger arises because you know, at the core of your being, that what your antagonist is communicating to you – that you’re stupid, ineffective, lazy, too much of this, not enough of that – that you’re worthless, basically, is incorrect. Your antagonist is trying to convince you, by treating you a certain way or by saying certain things to you, that your lack of human value means you are deserving of the poor treatment they are subjecting you to. And that part of you who knows that this is bullshit is what rises up and fights back.

Your anger is coming from a place of strength, not weakness. You know your true human value, and the way this asshole is speaking to you, the derision they are aiming at you, is in direct conflict with what you know your true human value to be. Your antagonist is wrong, and it is up to you to educate them on how they are wrong, because no one else is going to do this for you. But how?

Of course, context is everything. If you’re pumping iron in the prison courtyard and suddenly find yourself surrounded by a hostile group of fellow inmates who proceed to insult and antagonize you, it might not be the right moment to point out that you know your true human value and that this is about them and not you.

If it’s a work situation where your horrible boss is chewing you out because her coffee is cold, or some other lame privileged non-reason, just remember that if you choose that moment to tell her where she can stick her unacceptably cold cup of coffee, you might just get fired.

And need I remind you that this is the United States, after all, which means that any time you choose to stick up for yourself might result in you being shot.

But that’s a chance we all have to take if we choose to live authentically, and if we insist on being treated by others in a way that is in alignment with our true value as human beings. Just remember that this is not a you problem, it’s a them problem. Sometimes you decide to just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and let it slide. Other times it’s time for that fool to get schooled. Just use your better judgment and keep your priorities straight. The rest will take care of itself.

From the micro-level, individual lives of single human beings and their daily interactions with one another, to the macro-level systems that are crumbling under the weight of their own inequity and corruption, desperately looking to us to continue to uphold them (as if that’s gonna happen), the world truly is changing one corrective fuck you at a time. Be grateful that you’re here to experience and witness it as it happens.

🖋️CONJURE ME THIS: What’s your approach to interpersonal conflict? Do you meet it head on without a second thought, go out of your way to avoid it, or take some other approach? Who taught you how to manage conflict? Has the method you use served you well?