4 Lovably Stupid Songs to Lift Your Spirits

In these stressful, trying, pain in the ass end times of late stage capitalism, we often find ourselves down in the dumps. There are many coping options to choose from: yoga, deep breathing, alcohol, edibles, illicit substances, knitting, pickle ball or some other exercise, to name a few. Another easy fix is to listen to a lovably stupid song (and often enhance this experience by watching the music video for said song) until the stupidity of what you are hearing/watching makes you smile, laugh, or otherwise arise from your slump. Here are 4 songs that can help pull you out of your funk.

1. “Candy Shop” – 50 Cent (feat. Olivia)

The musical intro to this ridiculous song is an effective bait and switch: it starts out with a whimsical Willy Wonka-esque flourish, but then sinks down into a deep, muscular beat and an ominous, Arab-styled synth line (remember, this came out in 2005, about 2 years into America’s invasion of Iraq). The synth one remains at “ominous” for the duration of the song without ever resolving itself, and when 50’s vocal kicks in and he says “Yeah. Uh-huh. So seductive!” I have to wonder: was 50 checking himself out in the mirror, referring to his own seductive self, and surprised, because he thought he was pulling it off?

In the post-W.A.P. era of today, Candy Shop’s lyrics seem downright quaint. We are, after all, post-sexual metaphor at this point, so all of 50’s allusions to lollipops, magic sticks and melting in your mouth seem a bit strained. Still, the lyrics are earnestly, desperately, insistently sexual and really going out of their way to shock us. 50 is in peak thug drag here: he makes sure to enlist the beard services of Olivia to remind us that he’s not gay, but if anyone from the early aughts was giving us gay thug energy (or at the very least, thug trade energy), it was most certainly 50. I always did get the sense that the lady was protesting too much, what with the way he delighted in pissing off the gays with his casual homophobia, back when gay marriage still wasn’t a thing and insulting gays was an easy punch down for any self-proclaimed straight man.

And even if he isn’t queer, the fact that he is so narcissistically wrapped up in himself, centering himself in the sexual experience he’s describing, exhibiting a complete lack of awareness (or concern) that there is another (female) human being involved, who may require some attention of her own, is telling. Of course, I have absolutely no tea to spill regarding 50’s sexuality, other than what he put out there through his music and public persona. But when you’ve got someone who was so performatively homophobic for so long, and who wouldn’t STFU about his own straight-ness (see: Tom Cruise), it’s fun to speculate.

2. Sexy and I Know It – LMFAO

Let me get this part out of the way: this song is SO stupid. And it’s funny. And the video is REQUIRED VIEWING to appreciate the full Sexy and I Know It experience. The video contains a lot of celebrity (if you want to call some of them that) cameos. It was filmed on the Venice Beach boardwalk in L.A., which I used to live 2 blocks away from and am very familiar with…the outdoor gym with all the bodybuilders, the boom boxes, the roller skaters. It’s a fabulous place. The stupidity and fun of this video speaks for itself, so I won’t waste any more time on it. If you’re in the mood to laugh at men and how stupid they can look and be, then you’ve come to the right place. These guys are laughing at themselves, and that’s sexy…most of the time…depending on the guy.

Now for a little backstory (skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don’t care): My first ex-boyfriend, who I was with from the ages of 18–20 waaaaaaay back in the mid-80s, is addicted to going to concerts. He goes to so many concerts that he runs out of people to go with. This was the case back in September 2013, after we’d reconnected on Facebook after decades of not being in touch, because, alas, when it ended for us in the 80s, it ended badly. But, as the saying goes, time heals all wounds, and so in 2013 he had an extra ticket to see some singer called Kesha, who I wasn’t that familiar with, at the Universal Amphitheatre in L.A. I was game after listening to some of her songs on Spotify.

In 2013 I was 47 years old. When we got to the concert, the first thing I noticed was that, aside from the many suburban moms who were chaperoning hordes of little gaylings, my ex and I were practically the oldest people there. It almost felt creepy, but because we’re gay men and we age like fine wine, and because we were appropriately non-threatening and passably well-dressed and handsome (for whatever that was worth), the crowd accepted our presence and didn’t give us any side eye or dirty looks. No twinks were harmed that night, not by us anyway. The second thing I noticed was that our seats were really good; we were about 10 rows back from the stage. The third thing I noticed was that the place was jam packed for the second opening band, LMFAO. This band had the entire venue (which was sold out, with a capacity of about 6200) on their feet, dancing and flipping out for the total duration of their set. They are quite possibly the best showmen I’ve ever seen live, and I hadn’t heard one of their songs prior to the concert. I feel lucky to have seen them that night. Kesha, btw, came out and kept the energy going throughout the duration of her set as well. She did not disappoint. Kudos all around. And if this video doesn’t make you laugh, you’re probably an insecure white man. Next!

3. Perfect (Exceeder) – Mason, Princess Superstar

If you’re ever in the mood to recapture that stupid, late aughts feeling of sleazy glamour; that special era when Paris Hilton got busted (briefly) in Vegas for cocaine possession, Britney shaved her head, and Lindsay Lohan began her nihilistic nosedive, Perfect (Exceeder) is the song for you.

I’m not sure if Princess Superstar is a woman or a trio of women, and I don’t really care enough to google it to find out. For peak effect, viewing the music video for this song is REQUIRED. Don’t deny yourself this filthy pleasure. They’re obviously in on the joke, which makes watching the video more fun because we’re, in effect, laughing with them while we’re laughing at them, and I’m sure they don’t mind. Kudos to the video director for tapping into that early 80s aerobicizing/gym life vibe, dressing it up all slutty and trashy, just like it was back in the day. Plus, the stunts, editing and strategic use of exercise balls in the video are quite impressive. This video is stupid, yes, but more than that, it’s FUN. When the song pauses about midway through and Princess Superstar says “Perfection” in a cracked, off-key voice that sounds like she just got done smoking a pack of Marlboro lights, the stupidity of the song is driven home shamelessly for the listener, no apologies asked for or required. The beat picks back up and propels you through to the end of this stupid 2:48 minute song, and if you’re not at least smiling by then, you are in dire need of professional help. No, really. Operators are standing by.

4. “I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred

The opening line of this stupid AF song (“I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, love’s going to leave me.”) informs us of 3 things: 1. The dude can’t sing. 2. He must be stupid because he’s getting dumped, and he’s telling us that the reason he’s getting dumped is because he’s too sexy for the person who’s dumping him, and 3. The beat & instrumentation are stupid, but also sick in their simplicity; they’re giving made in someone’s basement with a synthesizer purchased at the local Walmart. Excellent starting points all around!

This song makes fun of male models and model culture in general. It was released in 1992, at the height of the golden age of supermodels: Cindy Crawford! Naomi Campbell! Linda Evangelista! Kate Moss! Legends all! And a legendarily stupid epoch in history. This song captures what it might be like inside a stupid male model’s head while he’s working the catwalk at a big 90s fashion show. Givenchy! Lagerfeld! Gautier! It could be any one of those designers! And I’m not saying models are stupid…but some of them must be, right? Also, the keyboard riff on the track is sublime. It’s so bad. It’s so good. The cheese is real. And the abrupt ending is so appropriate: like, this male model’s attention span is limited, people! And…he’s done.

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